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About Me
Favorite Sports
Knurdling ... Log-rolling ... Cow-pie Frisbee ... Cow jumping ... Full tackle rock climbing ... Sphincter darts ... Killing small winged creatures with large caliber guns ... Killing larger game after fencing them in, feeding them at the same spot for a year, and setting up a heated blind complete with plasmas, Xbox, a concierge and a "kill caddy" (positions the animal for the best shot, then retrieves, cleans and processes the trophy) ... Marbles ... Speed walking ... EA's NHL 99 ... Kite surfing ... Bingo ... Texas go fish
Likes
Fruity Okanagan whites with whisks of oak that explode the nasal cavity with the aroma of pears, apples and peaches, while at the same time remain both subtle and provocative with a playful hint of giddiness at finish ... Puppies ... Rainbows ... Anything made of chiffon, especially undergarments ... 21+ year old Scotch ... My Gulfstream G5 ... Every car Bentley makes ... Spending time at my ranches in Marble Falls and Meadow Valley ... Weekends in Cabo ... Colonoscopies ... Sharing my feelings ... "Stacking the pads" ... Avo Uvezian cigars ... Kokanee beer ... Elvis festivals ... Mirrors ... My fur cape ... Obscure 80s music ... Clogging my bowels with a Fogo de Chao meat mardi gras ... The Tragically Hip ...
Dislikes
Slapshots to the crotch ... Pea soup ... The phrase "Good job" ... Flying commercial ... G.B. ... B.G. ... Shaving my legs ... Tracking ... The color of NHL ice ... NHL Cool Shots ... The smell of burning bison hide ... Reality TV ... The group Chicago ... Half-chewed caramels ... Cookie-cutter game presentations ... Giving my name to the Starbucks "baristas" in order to get a $4 cup of coffee (I usually use the alias "Lucifer" just to freak them out) ... Late game notes ... "Painting the bowl," then discovering the roll is empty ... Any radio station that plays Loverboy's "Workin' For The Weekend" at a specific time every Friday afternoon ... Low-rider jeans on high-fat content girls ... Mainstream 80s music ... Labor disputes
Favorite Food
Goat eyes dipped in honey ... Gazelle with mint jelly ... Anything Cajun ... especially cereal ... Pure-bred Hereford calf testicles, breaded, deep fried and served with a tart dill dipping sauce ... Scones ... White Spot's Double Double burger ... Pig ... Mad cow tongue cooked on a spit with a bourbon/brown sugar glaze ... All-dressed potato chips ... Fiddleheads ... Elk jerky ... Wild Pacific king salmon cooked on cedar planks ... Polar bear ... Wine gums ... Spaghetti with syrup, sugar, crushed candycane and peppermint extract
Sworn Enemies
Shallow-thinking NHL suits ... Fifty-goal scorers ... Sharkie ... Any national team that takes on my beloved Team Canada, especially Russia, the USA and those greasy buggers from Syria ... Shego and Dr. Drakkan ... Bill Maas ... Ryan Seacrest ... Satan ... Bill Oellermann's voice ... Hurry-up line changes ... My 5-iron ... The 18th hole at Prestonwood's Creek Course ... Women in SUVs ... And vertically-challenged men in large trucks
Memorable Quotes
"He's entertained hundreds, performed for thousands" ... "You can't fall off the floor"
Things I've Done
Roadie for the air band Big Audio Flatulence ... Invented a sports drink called "Urine-Aide" ... Recently did some "before" modeling for a few fitness magazines ... Coined the phrase "Scalping General Custer" ... Published a book during the lockout titled "11 Chapters on Chapter 11" ... Won top spot in mechanical bull riding at the '88 Calgary Stampede with a gin-soaked 8 minute ride on Widow Maker ... Captured the North American Ballroom Dance championship with a bar maid named Ginger Ale
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