BOW YOUR HEADS TO LOVE

Guys, I know you're out there shopping for a Valentine gift for that love sponge of yours, and I know how pathetic you are at it.

Godiva chocolates from a mall kiosk?!

Stuffed bears from a pharmacy?!

Cubic zirconium jewelry from a cart?!

Lingerie? (Fine, if your doll's name is either Giselle, Heidi, or is Brazilian)

Come on, stop trying to be Enrique Iglesias. Just get her what all women want from their men -- money and obedience.

"Rain" cash on her when she wakes up Valentine morning. (I suggest crisp $100 bills -- they float downward in a most ethereal manner)

Open credit card accounts in her name at Neiman's and Nordstrom's. (Then begin selling off all of your worldly goods to local pawn shops, and learn to enjoy riding a bike to work)

Take out a line of credit with Sue Gragg Precious Jewels. (Diamonds are a girls…well, you know how that goes)

To aid in the obedience training have yourself lobotomized. (She will loooovvve this)

If, after the intrusive frontal lobe explorations, you still bristle at having to hold her purse , go shoe shopping, or watch reruns of Sex and the City then the lobotomy didn't scrape enough manhood off. So melt your remaining man-mind with a 24 hour viewing cycle of Oprah, Brothers and Sisters, Grey's Anatomy, The View, and Project Runway.

Rent "The Notebook" and a couple other similarly chick-friendly DVDs, then lay back and experience the sensation of your testes melting into a pool of woosy-whip.

See, it's all so darn simple if you want to get it right.

Oh you're welcome.

Just trying to help.

Happy Valentine's Day, brotha!