I STRENUOUSLY OBJECT

Roger Clemens Opening Statement to Congress (As read by Jack Nicholson – In the character of Col. Nathan R. Jessep)

Mr. Chairman, we live in a world that has sluggers, and those sluggers have to be guarded by men with hard fastballs. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Representative Waxman?

I have a harder fastball than you could possibly fathom. You weep for McNamee, and you curse the Yankees. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That McNamee's injections, while tragic, probably saved my career. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, wins ballgames.

You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at fantasy drafts, you want me on that mound, you need me on that mound. We use words like splitter, curveball, and slider. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent throwing gas. You use them playing XBOX. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very statistics that I provide your fantasy roster, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and checked the waiver wire. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a ball, and stand on the mound.

Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.