NHL GOLF & CC

After spending a few days in Phoenix playing a little golf, the location, the sport, and the precarious predicament of the Coyotes franchise got me thinking; What if the NHL were forced to bail out an Arizona based, bankrupt, 9-hole executive golf course too?

Remote, I agree, but it could happen. The Cowboys have a signature course in Grapevine and the Stars dabbled in it a few years back.

Well here’s how that track might lay out in the yardage book if a real smart-arse were to write the tips and concoct the hole names:

#1 SUNBELT EXPANSION
This is a former 327 yard par 4 that has been stretched out to become a 663 yard monster par 5. However, the green grass fairway has not been extended a single yard, so the final 336 yards are essentially a sandy waste bunker. This hole demands patience and some real imagination around the green.

#2 BALSILLIE ROCK
This hole was said to have been close to being moved north, closer to the driving range where more “real” golfers are gathered and thus there will be a larger base of people eager to see golfers play the hole. It demands a long tee shot to carry the treacherous water hazards and then a well targeted approach shot to a bunker-guarded green. This is the only hole on the course that you will be able to get Blackberry service. (It’s a legal matter)

#3 THE FEEL GOOD COYOTE
The first of two par 3s, this is a daunting 223 yard hole fraught with danger, but thanks to the generosity of the clubs’ marketing department no matter whether you get a 3, 5, 9 or 15 on it, it is scored as a hole in one. (The scorecard already has the 1 printed on it) Congrats, and Go Coyotes!

#4 LOCKOUT LOOKOUT
As your foursome approaches the elevated tee box you will be told you cannot tee off until there is a signed guarantee that only 54% of your Nassau, Hammer, or Wolf game will be retained while the rest of the winnings will be forfeited to the Golf Club. (If you are a potential future NHL owner you will get to keep 100% of the proceeds and also get a sleeve of Pro Vs)

#5 TEE VEE NATIONAL
This is your time to shine. A challenging 458 yard par 4 that is lined with security cameras which beam your groups every shot and advancement to the guard shack and grounds keeping building - although the two are not on the same circuit so they may or may not get the feed. (FYI, since taking over the Club ratings on this hole are up 30%, viewership 10%)

#6 ESCROW CONDITO
The NHLPA sponsored this once lush, rich par 5 but it has drifted into disrepair. Get ready to be “3 off the tee” on this one. It still asks the golfer for an accurate tee ball but no one can really decide on the proper way to play the hole from there on in. Also, a dues fee is charged as you are viewed as a “member” from tee to green on this one. A lost ball is almost a certainty with your second shot as the fairway splits in 11 different directions with water everywhere. Your approach shot will be equally confusing because no one can ever figure out where to put the pin so there will be a plethora of cup holes cut in the undulating green, while the pin itself will most likely be buried in one of the traps. The first two architects hired to spruce up #6 were both fired and a committee has now been put together in an effort to try to restore this hole to its original incarnation) Good Luck!

#7 HOT STOVE
This is a relatively short par 3 but it prompts a lot of debate. Club selection is key as the hot, swirling, confection winds will wreak havoc with a poorly selected iron. Once on the green you will likely disagree with your playing partners reads and will do so in a pompous, argumentative tone. Nothing usually gets accomplished here, but it can be entertaining.

#8 BURKIE'S WAY
This is a diabolical, truculent, petulant, belligerent, testosterone-infused par 4 that is not for the faint of heart. The hole requires equal measures of aggression and BS. A wayward tee shot will usually go unpunished and you can look forward to a series of “members bounces” as you navigate the course’s signature hole. If you feel inclined you may address your partner’s ball and then back off and play your own, just to get in his head. And if you play your cards right it should be an opportunity to print money once you reach the green, no matter how many strokes over par you finished.

#9 PARITY
The courses’ home hole was crafted to resemble as many other 9th holes as memory would serve. A handicap system has been put in place on this one to ensure that the group you are playing in is as level as the ground the hole is being played on. If a member of your group shoots par but you get an 8 you merely subtract 4 from your score and then head to the practice putting green to putt for the extra point. This hole also makes every golfer a winner as there are trophies presented greenside for merely completing the hole.

THE 9 ½ HOLE (In Lieu of a 19th Hole)
It is sponsored by Reebok and offers a coupon for a free drink and snacks if you take the real estate tour of Jobing.com Arena and the Ice Den. If you decline that offer beers are $67 dollars each, highballs $199.

Fore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!