SANTA'S PRE-SCOUT

Today I embark on an 11 ½ day North American odyssey that will see me travel to 8 different cities to call games on plethora of networks.

Happy friggin holidays indeed.

Instead of the jolly fat man (no, not Hitch) having the elves outfit the sleigh with a Garmin, I’m just gonna map the route for him - Dallas to L.A. to Montreal to Carolina, and a lot of points in between - and I’m going to compose a naughty list for him too.

Of course I can do this instead of spending my time shopping for presents because Santa has my back and that “Guaranteed Win” fiasco cost the Reaugh girls this Christmas.

So here’s the scouting report ole White Beard will be getting e-mailed, asap.

December 7th: We’re back onboard the Stars 757 (which is one step closer to my desired mode of air transportation – the Gulfstream 550) and it is so much nicer than that relic 727 they had us on while the guts of this bird got tuned up. Nobody naughty here Santa. Well, Steve Ott I guess, but he does good things too.

December 8th: Stars @ Ducks. Anaheim is having a crap year.
Note to Santa: Give everyone but Perry, Getzlaf, and Niedermayer coal in their stockings. You should be able to find plenty of it in the Ducks net, behind Giggy and that Swiss guy.

December 9th: Wild @ Avalanche: Up at 5am in the OC to fly to Denver and call the dung out of a VERSUS tilt. I’m gonna try to get my Viagra story in tonight. It’s a tale of how it helps athletes perform in elevation…(You have filthy minds)…oh screw it…I mean, never mind. It all sounds wrong.
Note to Santa: No gift for Jean Martineau. No clips Jean, no gift!

December 10th: Fly to San Jose to rejoin the team.
Note to Santa: Skip Santana Row, it’s full of greasy, sleazy Euro-trash dirt bags and by the caliber of cars parked on the street they all have more than enough already.

December 11th: Stars @ Sharks. The Sharkies are a talented bunch but are they again regular season superstars - post season posers?
Note to Santa: The Ottawa and Edmonton bureaus want you to put dead fish in Dany Heatley’s stocking, preferably Black Tip. Instead, ignore Tom Holy and their “media relations” department’s requests for anything. What’s that? All they asked for is playoff success. Screw em!

December 12th: Stars @ Kings. The Crown is starting to show more jewels and they have bullied the Stars in the first two meetings. Doughty, Johnson, Kopitar, Brown and a few others give L.A. a lot of promise that happy days are near.
Note to Santa: That Ivanans galoot should be on your naughty list. He attacks Robidas all the time. Yah, little Robie! What a Latvian bully.

(Also, if you were intending to watch the game at home make a note, it’s on Fox Sports Southwest Plus. Fox – Sports – Plus. Sorry, I can’t help you any more than that.)

December 13th: Arrive back in Dallas in the wee hours. I’ll have a few hours to say hi to the family and change my gonch before heading to the airport for an afternoon flight to Montreal. Habs – Sabres tomorrow, on VERSUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Santa: Maybe get some 8x10 glossies of me made up so the girls can be reminded what I look like.

December 14th: Sabres @ Canadiens from the Bell Center. No, in fact it doesn’t get any better. Mid-December in Quebec, hockey, French accents, passionate French hockey fans, the broadcast location, the hot dogs (er, chien chaud), working with Forslund, etcetera…etcetera.
Note to Santa: The girls at Chez Paris are said to be very grateful for the “Santa’s Helpers” outfits.

December 15th: Travel day to Raleigh, N.C. by way of Washington.
Note to Santa: Customs shouldn’t be an issue for you but bring your passport just in case. Also, don’t let the Obama administration ban airspace around D.C. cause “Oprah’s en route”, and be careful the Salahis don’t try to stow away on the sleigh.

December 16th: Stars @ Hurricanes. The Canes have put the capital “S” in Suck this season. To go winless in 14 straight games was thought to be impossible in today’s NHL with parity and such. Guess not.
Note to Santa: Get all Caniacs a calendar that shows the years the team plans to compete for the Cup and the years they plan to really suck – for planning purposes.

December 17th: Stars @ Thrashers. The Thrash are better than most give them credit for. That said, they seem to be challenging the Coyotes for most available seats for sale. Is a move to Calgary in their future? (Whoops, that’s right, already been down that road)
Note to Santa: If you and the elves have time, swing through Atlanta and catch the tilt. The organization would be thrilled if you brought an Ilya Kovalchuk signed contract too, if you have one lying around the shop.

December 18th: A day off? It can’t be! No game, no travel? Sounds like a laundry, tree trimming, “honey do” day – with a late afternoon Rock Band session.
Note to Santa: The Razorettes and me will be baking your treats today – and I’ll remember to put the “secret ingredient” in your hot toddy as per usual. You're welcome.

December 19th: Stars vs Red Wings. It’s a matinee tilt between two of the winningest franchises of the last decade, and a bit – so expect overtime and a shootout – that way neither team really loses.
Note to Santa: After this game I’m going to paint my esophageal and stomach wall with gallons of rum and eggnog just like you do after emptying those last presents on the 24th. (Should I eat something first?) Hope this report helps in some small way. Call if you are contemplating any trades from the Nice to the Naughty lists as I have compiled quite the database this year. Get some fibre in the deer, but not too much, you’re behind them after all. My fingers are crossed in anticipation of that G5 I keep asking for. Maybe this year?

Cheers!