AN OPEN LETTER TO THE GERMAN NATIONAL MEN’S ICE HOCKEY TEAM

Dear GDR Hockey,

After watching you in fits of capitulation for an hours’ worth of nauseating elimination “hockey” against Canada – a game that was lost 8-2 but might as well have been 80-2, I have a question: What happens to you Germans when you slip that national jersey on?

I mean - you play like frightened little frauleins right from the opening face-off.

Why? Why do you cower so?

You’re GERMANY for crying in the beerstein!

You make cars that attack the Autobahn, challenging every curve and testing the engineering from Audi, BMW, Porsche and Mercedes Benz. Yet when you grab a hockey stick you become Yugos with only two gears – neutral and reverse.

Your ancestors were the feared and mighty Saxons. In the 5th century you invaded Britania. Invaded - as in, forechecked the Brits. And you bashed them into submission.

Right now you’re making the Swiss look like the Huns.

So Uwe and Marco and Marcel and any others who will return to future international hockey tournaments, try taking the odd shot and maybe risk a guy up ice a little more often – who knows, you might like it. Or did you really get your Rhineland ya-yas out of getting pummeled 20-5 in your four games in Vancouver?

Here’s a suggestion, over the next four years try to be like those freaky Club Kids in Berlin, open yourselves to some new experiences – then, come 2014 in Russia, try playing to win for once rather than always trying not to lose.

I think that would be absolutely, Wunderbar!