ICE ROAD __________ (Rhymes With Truckers)

Try to conjure up the back beat of "Ice, Ice Baby" by white 80s rapper, and current home remodeler, Vanilla Ice as you absorb the following public safety announcement from the Razorboy.

Full disclosure; I am not a licensed zamboni driver, but I did cut my driving chops in the frigid Great White North so...

When faced with treacherous driving conditions, like we are currently experiencing in the Metroplex, try to remember these three survival tips:

1. Speed and your brake pedal are your enemies.

2. When "fishtailing" ensues - and it will - steer in the direction the ass of your vehicle is suddenly headed - and give it a little gas.

3. All you vain, preoccupied, or just plain duncetress women out there, this is not the time to continue your insane habit of applying makeup in the rearview mirror while trying to "make up time" on your commute to whatever lady-spots you habitually gravitate to. Full attention on the black ice when you're behind the wheel, bee-atches. This also applies to your two-fisted cell and Starbucks habit (unless you have a third arm), and any in-vehicle tasks that involve thumb-typing.

Heed these tips and you'll navigate the frozen ribbons of transportation with ease.

Ignore them and, well, you'll look just like 90% of local motorists - those frightened and bewildered drivers I have been dodging over the past 48 hours in my big, black Audi A8 with the ice-hugging epoxy of it's Quattro technology.

Passing on the right!

Your welcome North Texas.